A Mad Birth

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Jacquelyn was not happy; she wanted Tanya and Rosalie gone. But then she slipped from Jasper's grasp and fell to her knees...

----

THE HARBOR-PORT ANGELES

"Jacquelyn!" Carlisle shouted as he reached out and caught the girl before she hit the ground. 

"My baby!" Esme cried out as she snatched Jacquelyn and clung to her. 

"Help me," she cried out as she laid a hand on her stomach, where the babies were kicking violently inside her.

Carlisle said, "Your babies are suffocating inside you. We must get you to a hospital quickly or else they, and possibly you will not survive."

Jacquelyn frowned, wondering what that could mean. On one hand, she knew that the babies were a reminder of what had happened to her before her actual 14th birthday and also, they were innocent babies that deserved to live despite what others might say about them.

"Save me!" she cried out. "Save my babies!"

"Carlisle, she's cracking," Emmett cried. "We better get her out of here now!"

Carlisle nodded, then the large group of vampires, werewolves, and pirates rushed to Forks General Hospital. For once, a child's life was at stake.

-----

FORKS GENERAL HOSPITAL

Jacquelyn found herself screaming as the doctors gaped at the size of the crack on her stomach. Carlisle said to them, "No time to be staring, we have to help my daughter RIGHT NOW!!!"

At once, there was a flurry of activity as medicines were brought in and chaos reigned supreme as everyone prepared for what could be the most traumatic day of their lives. Jacquelyn herself cried as she clutched to her stomach, "But I don't want to have a baby!"

"It's kind of too late for that now," said Carlisle as he prepared some medicine to ease Jacquelyn's pain. "I wish Caius were here; he should see what he has done to you and to us as a family. He will pay for this, I promise."

Jacquelyn nodded, but still she continued to cry. The two babies inside her began kicking and punching away until the crack in her stomach expanded and eventually broke open. She screamed in horror as a nurse said, "Dr. Cullen, you need to see this!"

Carlisle gasped in horror as he heard Jacquelyn scream, but he had a duty to perform. A baby was about to enter the world. Very soon, a cry was heard, and then Jacquelyn watched as a very tiny boy was pulled out of her body.

"It is a boy," said a doctor who stood beside her. "You have a son."

Jacquelyn gasped as the tiny boy was wrapped up in a blanket and laid in her arms. At long last, the baby had been born. She stared at him for a good while; his little face was just like hers, but they were blue, just as Caius's eyes had once been. Tufts of blond hair covered his tiny head, blond just like hers.

Jacquelyn found herself crying again, but they were tears of relief. The baby was safe, and he would grow up surrounded by loving relatives instead of cruel sadistic vampires.

Just then, another cry was heard, and a very tiny girl popped out of Jacquelyn's body. She screamed even louder than her brother did. Jacquelyn reached out to hold the baby and she saw the face of Caius staring back at her. She noted the girl's green eyes, eyes that once belonged to her mother, Irina. Jacquelyn saw the baby's light blond hair that was beginning to poof itself out.

"Now that's something you don't see everyday," said a nurse to her friend, who was standing next to her.

"The funny thing was, they just burst out of their mother's body," said the other woman. "They didn't need any doctors or nurses to help them at all."

"Fancy that," said a doctor. "But now I'm worried about the mother. She may be young, but this kind of birth isn't something that you can just shake off. We need to monitor her progress so that if anything goes wrong, we'll be there to correct it."

Carlisle smiled as he stared at the tiny babies. They were very tiny, but they seemed to be so strong. He wondered if they would be able to survive the outside world after hiding in their mother's body for so many years.

Just then, Jacquelyn's body was covered in cold blue flames. Everyone gasped in horror as the fire surrounded the young girl and the two babies. Carlisle gasped; for the first time in his life, something horrible was happening to Jacquelyn and he couldn't do anything to save her.

(a few hours later...)

Esme stood up and took her distraught husband into her arms. He said nothing, yet everyone knew that Jacquelyn had mysteriously caught on fire right after she gave birth to a son and a daughter. And at this point in time, no one knew if she was alive or dead.

Jasper and Emmett walked towards the room where the birth had taken place in. Alice followed her, but Rosalie was held back by the guards.

A shriek sounded from the room and Carlisle found himself rushing into the room. There, he saw that far from being dead, Jacquelyn had been completely healed, and the two tiny babies were laying at her side.

"My God," he whispered, not knowing that the future of the Cullen family was about to take another turn, especially where the Volturi and Edward Cullen were concerned...

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The True History of the Cullen Family, Chapter 16

Truth or Death

Now we go back to Leah, who is still unhappy since she had a huge fight with Sam hours earlier. She had grabbed a pillow and blanket and said that she was staying with her mother for a while.

"Come on, Lee," Sam complained as Leah packed her bags. "How was I to know that Taha Aki would punish us for exiling you?"

Leah snapped, "And if you claim to have played the fool, I'm not buying it. Now please move so I can leave."

She pushed Sam aside and stormed away. Sam was upset that Leah was leaving him without so much as an apology from him. But just then, the sky shook and a voice boomed out, "YOU MUST SEEK THE TRUTH! SEEK IT NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!!!"

After that, Leah and Sam didn't say another word to each other for the rest of the evening.

-----

Jacquelyn was sitting under a warm shower. She felt strangely odd upon waking up and not knowing what had happened last night. She had remembered Jasper sitting beside her, but what had happened next could never be recovered.

Minerva slithered next to her and said, "You need to go out into the gardens. Only in the gardens can the spell that turned us into snakes be reversed."

Jacquelyn frowned, remembering what had happened seven years ago in a garden-like setting: her mother, Irina Ulrich, died after she was bitten by a king cobra snake in the Amazon Rose Hotel when Jacquelyn was just seven years old. Also, Gus and Minerva's parents, Styrax and Cardea Von Ninglied, were killed by the snake as well, with Cardea casting a spell on her children that turned them into snakes.

Jacquelyn stepped out the shower and was surprised to see herself going from her deathly pale color to a near-healthy color and her dark hair giving way to the blond that was sprouting underneath. She said to Minerva, "When do we need to go outside?"

"Tonight," said Minerva. "Mother said that the spell is going to wear off and in order to completely remove the spell, we must use the three objects that she left behind, and they must be bathed in cold fire."

"Cold fire? You've got to be kidding me!" Gus cried out as he slithered into the bathroom. "There's no way that you guys are going to be able to have a cold fire. Doesn't fire usually BURN things?"

"Not mother's fire," said Minerva as she glared at her brother. "We have to carry her instructions to the letter if we want to be free of this spell. Now, we're going to need father's wand and mother's mirror, plus a piece of the cobra's tail and meet in the garden. It has to be tonight."

Jacquelyn said, "And then how do we light the fire?"

"We light it using the blood of a cold drake," said Minerva. "Now we must get going now while we still can."

Jacquelyn nodded and went to get dressed while Gus said to Minerva, "This doesn't sound like a good idea, Minerva. What if it doesn't work?"

"It will work, Gustin," Minerva snapped at him. "It must work."

Jacquelyn found herself staring at a piece of the cobra's tail, the part that Irina had torn off while trying to protect her daughter from its venomous bite. Suddenly, she remembered fighting off the snake with her sword. Was it true that both she and her mother had face the same snake, and yet one of them escaped alive?

If that were true, then why did Jacquelyn survive and Irina did not?

-----

Camille stared out the window of the car that was taking her and Caroline out of Germany and straight to Rome, Italy. Once there was a window of opportunity that opened (i.e., Leopold going away for a long journey), Camille took no chances and packed herself and her daughter up and left in the dead of night. Or was it night, as the red skies made it impossible for her to tell night from day.

Caroline said very little during the journey and Camille found herself unable to keep up a polite conversation with her daughter. She began to wonder why they were drifting apart all of a sudden. They had never been close to begin with and now, they had become almost strangers to each other.

Camille wondered had it all began on the day that Caroline was born? She remembered that day Caroline was born, on March 15, 1667. As soon as she was presented to her mother, Caroline had been banished to a room in the back of Camilla's house with only a nurse and tutor for company. Camille saw very little of Caroline during her childhood, preferring the company of the rich Germans that surrounded her grandmother and she longed to be in their world.

Camille said to herself, "Am I a bad mother? Did I mean to push Caroline away when I should have nurtured her? Can I truly give up my life to protect hers?" She did not know the answer to that question, but little did she know that there would be a riot that would result in her losing her only daughter forever and a cruel reminder of what she had done three centuries earlier...

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A Twilight TV Show? Uh, no thanks!

Jacquel: Did you guys hear that they're doing a new Twilight TV show?

Emmett: What?? Did you say Twilight Themed TV Show?

Jasper: Uh, no way! They can't be doing this to us!

Bella: And besides, we're already doing the "I Got Twilighted" story on FanFiction.Net. So there's no need for it to be on TV at all.

Carlisle: Should we say something to the people who want to do this?

Sam: Yes, we should.

Victoria: Look, people, I don't know who you think you are, but you can't just turn our story into a TV show! We've already suffered through the movies and besides, maybe you guys need to learn that "Twilight" belongs to Stephenie Meyer and no others! So, go find an unknown book to turn into a TV show and stay away from our story!

Edward: Congratulations, Victoria, you really hit the nail on the head!

Victoria: I know; how dare they try to make more money from us than they already have. Five movies is quite enough, I tell you.

Jacquel: And now we need to get back to the show because the fans are clamoring for more.

-----

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7 Books That Could Be The Next Twilight | TotalFilm.com

7 Books That Could Be The Next Twilight | TotalFilm.com:

ClumsyOne: are you really certain about this? I seriously recall that there shouldn't be books that read like twilight at all.
PsychicPixie: well, Jacquel's stories are the ones that show promise.
DoctorDad: then why aren't they on the list?
MotherDear: should we inform them that Jacquel needs to be made known?
MachoMan: yes, we should.

'via Blog this'

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Hollie Devine of "The Crystal Jade" vs. Nadia Coffey of "Life, Sin, & Blood" ~by CountOmen

I have been reading two stories written by Claire Violet Thorpe, and they are called "The Crystal Jade" and "Life, Sin, & Blood". Both stories have the story about a girl who meets a vampire, and yet, both stories are different in so many ways.

For starters, "The Crystal Jade" is the story about Hollie Devine and what happened when she was kidnapped by a vampire one evening. Hollie was at home when she gets kidnapped by Howard Warpslayer when he raids her home. He also kills Hollie's grandmother, who was a know vampire hunter. Hollie is taken to a mysterious castle (where the Icebrood clan lives) and is forbidden to leave. There is also a mystery about a jade crystal, a magical charm that was rumored to control vampires. It was stolen from the Icebrood clan by one of Hollie's ancestors and only Hollie knows where it could be. But she just wants to go home and resume her normal life. Not if Howard can help it.

The story "Life, Sin, & Blood" is about a girl named Nadia Coffey, who was known as one of the most popular girls in her high school. That was, until her home burns down and both her parents are dead. Nadia is then sent to Charleston, South Carolina to stay with an obscure relative. While trying to fit in at her new school, Nadia meets Adam Norwood, who dismisses her immediately because of her popularity. Nadia is forced to change her ways in order to get Adam to like her. There is a mystery involving an old German family and its connection to Adam Norwood. Nadia wanders if she is connected to the Norwood family as well.

These two books are indeed different despite the fact that both girls are involved with vampires. And the heroines are very different from the traditional heroine who has an encounter with a vampire.

Hollie is not the kind of girl who believes in vampires, until her kidnapping by Howard. Nadia, however, doesn't like vampires and thinks that Twilight is a very stupid book. And then she ended up meeting Adam.

Well, we have some news here; I think Hollie is better than Nadia.

When it comes to bravery, Hollie is in a terrifying situation because of her kidnapping. Nadia is not brave or clever and she caves in too easily. Hollie, 1. Nadia, 0.

In terms of knowledge, Hollie also gains knowledge about vampires from her grandmother. Nadia learns about vampires from Wikipedia. And since Wikipedia has had a varied reputation, we must say that Hollie's grandmother was very wise to tell Hollie the truth about vampires rather than her getting the story about vampires from the vampire tropes, all which have been dismissed as fake. So as we all know: Hollie, 1. Nadia, 0.

Relationships with family: Hollie has the typical teenage relationship with Alan and Ellen, while Nadia tends to tune out Johnathon and LaDonna. She also despises her twin brother Drew and all but rejects her younger sister Chelsea. Hollie, thankfully, has no siblings at all. This is no contest: Hollie, 1. Nadia, 0.

Friendships: Nadia seems to be popular, and yet she is never seen with any average student. Hollie isn't too concerned with friends at all, preferring her own company. Hmmm, we need friends, so we have to say this: Hollie, 0. Nadia, 1.

History with vampires: Hollie is descended from a line of vampire hunters and she knows a lot about vampires. Nadia is related to the Goldstien family, who were the rivals of the Von Hoffmann family. To this, we say: Hollie, 1. Nadia, 0.

The vampires: Hollie is among the Icebrood Clan, which is one of the biggest vampire clans in the world. Nadia meets Adam, who is part of another vampire clan, even though he doesn't spent too much time at the clan's compound. Howard is described as a very arrogant man, but he seems to have a soft spot for Hollie, especially since he had ruined her life. Adam, however, is a very cruel boy who hates popular people, especially blondes. I guess we must believe that people have to be nice, which neither Howard and Adam are, but we don't have much of a choice. Therefore: Hollie (and Howard), 1. Nadia (and Adam), 0.

And we could go on comparing various things about the two girls, but then again,we have other things to worry about.

Nadia also describes a moment when she is at a bookstore buying a journal when she hears about "The Crystal Jade" (already a published book) by C. J. Thomas. The book, however, is deemed unsafe for preteens and teenagers because of many disturbing elements that have been written into the story. Nadia also dismisses the book because it centers on a girl and a vampire. Thankfully, we have been spared from having to hear about Hollie describing "Life, Sin, & Blood", as she probably would have hated the book.

I welcome you all to this debate over Hollie and Nadia; remember that you are free to have your say about them. I would like to read your opinions about these two very different girls and so would Claire herself.

And here's the final score, in case you're wondering: Hollie, 5. Nadia, 1.

I wonder what you guys have to say about this.

clumsyone: I still don't like Hollie.

shewolf: Nadia sounds like a bully. I don't like bullies and if I met her, I'd be beating the crap out of her.

machoman: But you guys haven't read Jacquel's story yet.

shewolf: So?

machoman: You need to read the story first BEFORE you form your opinions about either girls.

clumsyone: since when did you get so wise, Emmett?

machoman: Since Rosalie and I have apparently cooled off a whole lot and stuff.

psychicpixie: I can foresee Jacquel having a bestseller very soon.

-----

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The "I Got Twilighted" Superbowl Edition

(Superbowl Theme Plays)

Emmett: Uh, can someone explain why they're using the fight scene in "Eclipse" as the football scene?

Me: I don't know why, but apparently, someone thought that it was funny to try that on us. Who knows?

Jasper: Whatever it is, it ain't funny at all. We has to kick vampire butt to save Bella and the entire town.

James: Perhaps they should. Now, let's watch this waste of time video.

(video turns on)

Announcer: Thank you all for tuning in to the Superbowl. I'm Mark Bluntman and here's the lowdown on the two teams who will be playing today...

Jasper: We weren't playin no dang game; we were trying to save Bella's life!

Announcer: On one team, we have Team Victory, which consists of a Seattle-based team and they are taking on Team Neutron which is desperate to hold onto their winning streak...

Emmett: Hey, that ain't right! It was us and the Wolves versus the newborns and Victoria! How dare they make a mockery of our fight!

Announcer: And here's the kick-off...now the game begins! And Team Victory is really getting into it, but Team Neutron is holding steady...(OK, I know you all don't want to watch any more of this farce of a game, so let's cut to the so-called halftime show)

Jacob: Hey, I don't recall anyone doing any halftime shows!

Bella: Now they have the nerve to claim that Edward and I are doing a love song together. ICK!

Edward: I agree and would also like to add that we did not have any collaborations with Seth, Riley, and Victoria.

Emmett: And now were back to the crappy game...which has now ended with our team winning.

Jasper: Whoever did this has no right to do things like this at all.

James: Let's report them and get them banned from YouTube.

Emmett: Good idea!

Me: The Superbowl is on! Make for the living room now before Emmett hogs the big couch!

Emmett: Oh no you didn't! (rushes to the couch, but he gets tackled by Paul)

Esme: There's just no controlling that boy, or is there?

Me: Who cares? I just hope I pick the winner of the game.

All: Same here.

-----

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New Year, Final movie, & more Twilight fun!

Image via Wikipedia

This is the year 2012, and in this year, we will see the epic conclusion to the Twilight Saga...

 Emmett: Oh no! Say it ain't so! 

Emmett, would you let me finish? Anyway, with the release of the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn part 2, we can finally say goodbye to the movie part of our lives and move on to bigger and better things. 

Emmett: Like that movie that we're making right now? 

Emmett, that's enough! Anyway, plan on looking forward to getting the conclusion to the bachelor party, where after the party has ended, the boys discover the repercussions of what they had done at Edward's bachelor party! See you all soon! 

Emmett: Hey, you can't do that! That's illegal! Jacquel, can you make them stop? (fade to black) Just because the screen fades to black doesn't mean that the show is over! Jacquel???

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If Famous Writers Had Written Twilight…

So what if someone else had written Twilight? click the link below to find out what Twilight would be like if it was written by another famous author.

Maybe you'll be grateful that Stephenie Meyer wrote the story after all.

If Famous Writers Had Written Twilight…:

'via Blog this'

entertainingyousince82: Well, that's weird.
machoman: I'll say.
iseeyourfuture: Emmett, did you change your username?
machoman: What? Ness changed hers a few months ago, so why can't I?
ultimate werewolf lover: I say these stories are whack.

The Twilight Christmas Movie Special

(setting: Christmas Day at the Cullen house in Forks, Washington)

(we see everyone sitting in the living room when the wolves show up)

Everyone: Bring on the movie! Bring on the movie! Bring on the movie! Bring on the movie!

Jacquel: OK, guys, would you all just chillax? (she gets everything set up)

Jacob: And now, we present to you the La Push Show Christmas movie! (applause. movie begins)

---

On Christmas Night (the Wolves' music video, which pokes fun at Katy Perry's "Last Friday Night" song)

(in this movie, Leah plays the part of some girl named Kathie Tuttle and Jacquel plays herself. The wolves play various other characters. Kathie decides that rather than stay home and open her presents, she would rather have fun with her friends instead)

Parents: Merry Christmas, kids. Come see what Santa brought you.

Kids: Yay! (tear into Christmas gifts. Kathie ignores them)

Dad: That means you, too, Kathie.

Kathie: I rather not, thank you very much.

Mom: Don't you want to see what Santa brought you?

Kathie: You really think I care about that?

Dad: I thought you liked getting gifts from Santa.

Kathie: Yeah....that was when I was about...two? Now if you don't mind, I'm going out today!

Everyone: And do what?

Kathie: Hang out with Jacquel. Her family is so mature, they know better than to lie about that fraud. I'm out! (leaves the house)

(music begins)

Kathie: Everyone is getting to the living room to open presents and thank an imaginary man for giving it to them, / when I know exactly that it was mom and dad who spent their hard-earned money on ungrateful brats like them / but I know that I've got some fun things to do and opening presents isn't one of them / as you can see, I'm spending that day out all over the town, I'm gonna be living it up / because there's more to Christmas than silly toys, I just want to have some fun...on Christmas night, we went ice skating at the skating rink, made life miserable for those who don't celebrate / on Christmas night, we raided the theaters, saw all the movies, laughed at everything / on Christmas night, we went to the park and had the world's biggest snowball fight, / on Christmas night, we had the best night ever!

Jacquel: Kathie, you sure you want to do this?

Kathie: Well, your folks don't care about Santa and gifts and silly Christmas songs, and yet, you always manage to have a better Christmas than I do. How do you manage to put that off?

Jacquel: Well...hey, wait a minute, isn't that Hortense McCulmers?

Kathie: We ran around the whole town making merriness everything when suddenly the school bully dared to jump into our path. / I ran and hid in the Nativity scene that was at the church, and I bet that I would have evaded her completely when the pastor's wife came out and said, "Is that you?" / The bully stared at me, I didn't know what to do, but the lady smiled at her and said "Merry Christmas to you." / The bully stared at her, I hoped that she would kill us both on the spot, but I smiled and said, "Hope you've having a great day." / the old lady smiled at me and the bully scoffed and walked away...on Christmas night, we went ice skating at the skating rink, made life miserable for those who don't celebrate / on Christmas night, we raided the theaters, saw all the movies, laughed at everything / on Christmas night, we went to the park and had the world's biggest snowball fight, / on Christmas night, we had the best night ever!

Jacquel: Well, while dodging her was fun and all, my mom texted me and said that my grandma's here, so I need to be heading home.

Kathie: Yeah, me too. My folks won't like it, but you know, we still had fun...(music turns on) Well, after dodging that bully, I decided to head on home, turns out that I had enough fun for today / when I walked back to the house, it was 8 in the evening, and everyone was still playing with their toys and my parents were watching them / I walk through the door and they all turned to notice me, they still had their pajamas on, my parents stared at me in shock. / I said, "I'm off to bed now, don't wake me up until it's New Years Eve." After all that excitement, I'd surely like to have a good sleep.

Mom: Where have you been, Kathie? We've been waiting for you to open your gifts from Santa.

Kathie: Mom, we've been through this every year. I don't want to open my gifts from Santa because I know you and dad buy gifts for us and lie and say that it was Santa who makes the gifts. I'm not stupid.

Dad: How can you say stuff like that? This is the Christmas season, which mean that...

Kathie: I know what you're going to say and I'm not even going to reply to that. Now, Jacquel here refuses to believe in Santa and her parents always buy her her gifts. What do you say to that?

Mom: Jacquel doesn't believe in Santa? (to Jacquel) Were you deprived as a child?

Jacquel: Really? You want to assume that my parents are mean to me because I don't believe in Santa? Well, my parents raised my to believe in the real deal, which is Jesus Christ. So, I think you may have forgotten the reason why we celebrate Christmas.

Embry (as Reggie): Yeah, there's more to Christmas than Santa Claus giving you gifts.

Dad: Kathie, you have just earned yourself a week of no TV! And Since you think you're too good to open your presents, you will NOT be leaving your room until you've opened every one!

Kathie: Fine! And since you feel that way, maybe I'll go away next Christmas. Then you'll appreciate what I have to say. (goes to her room. music turns on) on Christmas night, we went ice skating at the skating rink, made life miserable for those who don't celebrate / on Christmas night, we raided the theaters, saw all the movies, laughed at everything / on Christmas night, we went to the park and had the world's biggest snowball fight, / on Christmas night, we had the best night ever...on Christmas night, we went ice skating at the skating rink, made life miserable for those who don't celebrate / on Christmas night, we raided the theaters, saw all the movies, laughed at everything / on Christmas night, we went to the park and had the world's biggest snowball fight, / on Christmas night, we had the best night ever!

(movie turns off. credits roll)

---

(applause)

Emmett: Well, I hate to be the wet blanket around here, but that was the dumbest music video that I have ever seen. And I know your videos.

Rosalie: Yeah. Who wants to hear about the adventures of some boring ugly girl at Christmas? I expected better from you stupid puppies.

Seth: You didn't like the movie? Awww...I feel so insulted!

Embry: Don't be upset; we'll hit her back later.

Stephenie Meyer: (shows up) Well, once again, you've managed to steal away a few hours of my life and this time, I didn't like your video.

All: WHAT???

Stephenie Meyer: And as punishment for the most boring video ever, I'm going to drastically reduce the time that you have on this video.

Edward: Well, that's just mean! I mean, I had just finished the remake of the Harry Potter song.

Bella: The one where he goes crazy and shoots up Hogwarts?

Stephenie Meyer: Oh no, NOT this again!

Edward: Well, since you're reducing our screen time, I'm going to be playing this song during the credits. So there!

(credits roll. song plays)

The Night Harry Potter Went Crazy (to the tune of Weird Al’s “The Night Santa Went Crazy”) The Violent Ending Edition

Down in old Hogwarts, all the wizards were mocking, / All the good Christian girls and the good Christian boys. / When the Boy-Who-Lived busted in, nearly scared ‘em half to death, Had a .22 in his hands and firewhiskey on his breath. / From his glasses to his shoes he was covered with ammo, / Looking like the wizard’s version of the great Rambo. / And he smiled at everyone as he began to laugh, / “Happy Christmas to all---now you’re all gonna DIE!” 

The night Harry Potter went crazy, / The night the boy wizard went insane! / Realized he’d been getting a raw deal, / Something finally must have snapped in his brain! 

Well, Hogwarts is gone now, he decided to bomb it / Everywhere you’ll find pieces of what once had been Hagrid. / And he tied up the Gryffindors and he held the Slytherins hostage, / And he ground up poor Remus Lupin into werewolf sausage. / He got Ron and Hermione with a World War 2 rifle, / And he slashed up Old Dumbledore just like Jigsaw. / And he picked up a blowtorch and he barbecued Hedwig. / And he took a big bite and said, “WOW! It tastes just like chicken!” 

The night Harry Potter when crazy, / The night the Boy-Who-Lived went nuts. / Now there’s no way you can walk around England / Without steppin’ in wizard guts! 

There's the Royal Army and the CIA / There are reporters from CNN and scores of eyewitnesses everywhere/ And as the spells are flying, many wizards are dying / and the world wants to know why Harry why / my my my my my my / Harry Potter used to be a good guy...(cue scenes from disaster)

Yes, Albus-Severus, now your daddy’s dead / Cedric Diggory came back to life and shot him in his head. / it's very true, he's lying dead on the floor / Now the world won't be reading Harry Potter books anymore. / So now the fans are crying because the story has been canceled, / And the bookstores have several empty bookshelves. / And as for J.K. Rowling, they say that she's on the phone every night, / she and her lawyer are discussing the movie rights! 

It’ll be about…the night Harry Potter when crazy. / The night the boy wizard flipped. / all he wanted was a normal life, / Sounds to me like he was tired of gettin’ tricked. / Wo, the night Harry Potter went crazy. / The night the Boy-Who-Lived went insane, / he simply went downhill since “Deathly Hallows” / Something finally must have snapped in his brain. / Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain! / Tell ya, something must have snapped…in his brain!

Jacquel: All I can say is Merry Christmas and hopefully you day went better than mine.

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The La Push Wolves Do TV (a trailer)

(note: This trailer has been deemed safe for general viewing.)

Coming soon to a blog near you...

There's no doubt that the state of TV is terrible, with reality shows crowding out good old-fashioned TV comedy.

One group seeks to correct that...or at least make it funny!

So join Jacquel, Seth, Embry, Jacob, and the other wolves as they try to save the world from reality and bring the fun back to television!

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The True History of the Cullen Family, Chapter 15

Runaway Love

Jasper was beginning to wish that he was anywhere but with the Volturi.

He was tired of having to deal with them and their nonsense. And besides, why would he want to put up with them when he had a pet to play with.

Jasper made his way to his room, where Jacquelyn and the snakes were. Both Gus and Minerva were asleep in their baskets and Jacquelyn was sitting in a tub filled with cold water. She was not feeling well and she needed to cool down before she got sick.

Jasper saw her sitting in the tub and said, "Are you not feeling well?"

"No," she said. She shifted herself so that she was facing him. "Why are you with them?" she asked.

Jasper paused; no one had asked him that question before. Sure he had no where to go when the Volturi executed Maria for causing undue trouble in the south, but he knew that he should have gone with Peter and Charlotte when he had the chance to. But when Chelsea persuaded him to come with her and join the Volturi, Jasper knew better than to refuse.

He frowned and stood up, scooping Jacquelyn out of the tub. "You're gonna be catching your death if you sit in there too long," he said as he wrapped the girl in a towel and carried her to the room. Minerva almost woke up upon hearing the noises, but then she relaxed and went back to sleep. Jasper set her on the bed and frowned, not knowing what he should be doing next.

It wasn't that Jasper didn't have any female admirers, but most of them knew better than to get too close to him. Maria had killed any other woman (both human and vampire) who had made the mistake of getting too close to Jasper. But surely he was not one to take advantage of this poor little girl who was in his room; he knew that some vampires had raped and tortured many young women who they lured away from the safety of their homes.

Jasper lifted the towel from Jacquelyn's body. She gripped his hand and said, "No." He stared at her in confusion. "No," she whimpered again.

"I will not hurt you," he said as he watched tears fall from her eyes. Had she been abused? Did anyone harm her? He would find out and then deliver the Volturi's justice to that horrible monster. "Did anyone hurt you?" he asked.

"No," she whispered.

Jasper slipped off his Volturi robes and sat beside Jacquelyn. She grew frightened and curled up away from him. "No," she said. Jasper reached out to take the girl's hand. "You are safe here," he said gently but firmly. "No one is going to hurt you. Please..."

Jacquelyn stared at him for a few moments. How can someone like him---a vampire---possibly keep her safe from harm? Especially since vampires have killed millions of humans over the centuries? She did not understand.

Jasper sighed and reached over to her, saying, "Do not be afraid." Jacquelyn nodded and began crying gently. He stripped down to nothing and held her to him. Jacquelyn frowned, knowing what was going to happen. But was she ready for it?

Jasper said, "Please don't be sad." Jacquelyn nodded and curled up beside him. Would Jasper Whitlock, former Confederate Major from Texas and Guard of the Volturi, be the one to take away her pain?

-----

The Annoying Nomads (James, Laurent, and Victoria) were now somewhere next to Naples. All day and night, they had to listen to humans complaining about the red sky. The sky was so red that it could be seen at night as well as during the day. Many people suspected everything from aliens to the return of Jesus Christ as the reasons why the sky was red.

Laurent said, "I don't know what the people are saying, but I don't like it. They are too full of fear."

Victoria said, "I heard some old woman say that the dead are coming back to life. I hope that doesn't mean that our meals are coming back to haunt us."

"Possibly not," said James. "The sky smells like blood. I'm not sure if we have to feed from humans as much as we usually do."

Just then, a scream was heard. A man was lying dead in the streets of Naples, with some strange symbol on his neck. "Not aliens and not zombies," Victoria said out loud.

"Then what is it?" another man cried out.

"Werewolves," said Laurent as he showed everyone the deep bloody scratches that ran down the victim's back.

Victoria said, "But I thought all the werewolves were dead! Extinct! Everyone knows that the Volturi wiped them out over 4 centuries ago!"

"Actually, that would be the work of Lord Caius," a vampire said, drawing everyone's attention. "After being attacked by a werewolf during an mission trip in the 1200's, Lord Caius set off with an army and marched upon their holdings, where they destroyed the werewolves in their human forms. But some had dared to survive and for countless centuries, they hid among us, plotting their revenge."

"Who are you?" James rudely addressed the vampire.

"My name is Dante Frost," said Dante, "and I'm here to warn you all: he or she who was involved in a murder that was committed out of selfishness will soon meet their deaths at the claws of the wolf."

He stood up and said, "I am going to Volterra to confer with Lord Aro regarding the murder of a man who could have improved life for both humans and vampires alike. Do you wish to share in my quest?"

James frowned, but Laurent said, "We would be happy to. In fact, we were just going there ourselves."

Dante said, "Then we shall depart immediately."

James frowned as he, Laurent, and Victoria walked off with the strange vampire. No one knew that they too were about to be involved in a very dangerous battle...

-----

Jasper slid out of bed, heaving. He knew that it had been years since he had actually enjoyed sex, knowing that it was only with Maria that he had had these intimate encounters. Maria would never let another woman go near him at all.

He frowned as he looked at his human pet, who had fallen asleep shortly after their tumble. She was a virgin, that he knew. Or she was, until a few hours ago. Jasper wondered if instead of comforting her, as he had wished to do, he had actually made things even worse for her.

Just then, Heidi came to the room. She had not seen Jasper lately and she had not seen Jacquelyn since the day that she brought the girl to the Volturi to be Jasper's pet.

She said to Jasper, "Aro did not see you at the meeting yesterday. Where have you been?"

Jasper said to her, "You do know that I have a pet, right?"

Heidi took a look at the sleeping Jacquelyn and said, "Please tell me that you didn't eat her; you do know that with your tastes, girls like her are very hard to find."

Jasper snapped, "I do know how to control myself, thank you very much, but I also prefer my light snacks. If you have a problem with me spending time with my little pet, as much as you go around seducing mortal boys during your time out of the castle..."

Heidi glared at him and Aro walked into the room, saying, "I see that Jasper likes his little pet. But I believe that he has yet to know of the problem that is plaguing us. The Romanians could be using the red sky to launch their attacks upon us. There would be untold amounts of human casualties. We need to put an end to them and quickly."

"We should," said Jasper. "The Romanians could be gathering allies even as we speak. I believe that they will attack us on St. Marcus's Feast Day."

"A repeat of the feat that is for the ages," said Aro. "Our own loyal human followers are in danger. You, Jasper, have the power to save us all."

Heidi said, "Are you saying that Jasper could...you know...use his powers to stop that army from reaching us?"

"How else did we find him?" Aro smiled. He took a look at Jacquelyn and said, "And we would like for her to join us, once she recovers from her devastating illness."

He and Heidi left the room and Jasper stood up. He needed to feed. He walked away from the bed, knowing that Jacquelyn would not wake up until evening. He needed to think of a strategy in order to stop the Romanians and their supporters. He would have to become "Major Jasper Whitlock" again.

Jacquelyn stirred a little, then fell back asleep. Jasper stared at her once more before leaving the room.

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Barack Obama and 50 Cent are TwiHards!! - TwiFans-Twilight Fansite

Barack Obama and 50 Cent are TwiHards!! - TwiFans-Twilight Fansite:

'via Blog this'

ClumsyGirl: This is news WHY???

Ultimate Werewolf Lover: This proves that being macho is dumb and pointless

Macho Man: You better take that back, Jake!

musicalmind: There's nothing wrong with men liking Twilight, Jake. Now get over it.

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• That's Life!

Jacquel, You're OLD!!!

Me: Well, it's my birthday today, so I'm gonna be living it up!

Sam: But what about us?

Me: I know what you want, Sam, and guess what? It's not gonna happen!

Sam: Awww, no fair! How come you get to have a sex scene with Jasper in one of your stories and we can't do it at all in real life?

Me: Because you're a bunch of horny wolves and #2, I'm not sure if Carlisle is going to like it if he finds out that you want to have sex with me.

Carlisle: Because I don't! Now, Sam, unless you want me to pull the plug on her being on your show, I suggest that you better keep things between you and her professional.

Paul: Awww...but that's no fun! It's her birthday, she can do whatever she wants!

Jared: Only for 24 hours.

Paul: She needs to be with us and not you.

Sam: You Cullens keep cramping our style.

Paul: And besides, it's just one day...what could possibly go wrong?

Jacob: EVERYTHING! Such as Renesmee finding out and killing me even more, or those idiots who dared to put those videos of us and her making out all over the Internet.

Quil: Those videos almost ruined my reputation.

Embry: Not to mention that I've got scores of uncles and aunts on the Makah reservation who saw that and nearly swooned.

Jacob: My father threatened to sue the people who owned the website unless they were taken down.

Carlisle: And that's why I won't allow you and her to do any making out! Jacquelyn Claire is a respectable member of the Cullen family and you will NOT be ruining her reputation with your antics at all!

Jacob: Why you gotta be all mean to us? We're just gonna take her out for the day.

Seth: And besides, it's not all make-out; we're just gonna stay home and watch movies. If that's OK with Emmett here...

Emmett: Sure! If the movies that they watch are going to be superhero movies!

Rosalie: I hate superhero movies!

Me: Well, too bad because you're going to be watching them today! In fact, EVERYONE'S going to be watching superhero movies today! (everyone cheers)

Rosalie: Well, I'm out! Come back when you all decide to be mature! (she leaves)

Me: OK, since she wants to be like that, then I say let her. But we're gonna have some fun today! (pulls out DVDs) We'll start off with Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, then Thor, then X-Men: First Class, Transformers: Dark of the Moon...

Jasper: Wasn't it supposed to be "Dark Side of the Moon"?

Seth: Yeah, but Pink Floyd threatened to sue Michael Bay unless he changed the title of the movie. Plus since Megan Fox isn't in this one, I'm not sure if I want to watch it.

Me: And last but not least, we finish off with Captain America...

Emmett: Oh heck yeah! Captain America rocks!!!

Me: Thank you very much, Emmett; I'm sure they already know that. Any questions?

All: GET ON WITH THE MOVIES!!!

Me: OK then! (sets up DVD. everyone takes their seats in the lving room and I turn the TV on)

----------

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Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (2011)

Image via Wikipedia

Name of Movie: Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (2011)

Director: Bill Condon

Year Released: 2011

Summary: Bella Swan and Edward Cullen are now a happily married couple, but things get complicated when a certain little event happens to them...PARENTHOOD!!! And not only that, Bella's friend Jacob Black decides to stand up for her and takes charge of his own life and destiny. Meanwhile tentions between the Cullens and Quileutes are just the icing on the cake.

My review: Excellent movie!!! But you'll have to wait until next year to finish the rest.

My recommendation: For Twilight fans everywhere; plus I recommend that you stay after the movie ends to catch a bonus scene.

My rating: *****

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The I Got Twilighted Bachelor Party

Since Breaking Dawn part 1 the movie is in theaters today (I saw it, I loved it!) I figure I'd do a couple of Twilight-related fics just to show how much I love the Twilight series. So, here we go!

---------

(The story takes places about a week before Edward and Bella's wedding. Only Edward isn't about to have a bachelor party.)

Edward: But I don't want to have a bachelor party!

Emmett: Sure you do, Ed. bachelor parties are fun!

Edward: Easy for you to say, Emmett. You just want to act wild and have fun.

Jasper: That's your problem, Edward. You never like to have fun. You're way too serious.

Edward: How do you know, Jasper?

Jasper: I see you and I feel the non-fun vibes rolling off your shoulders. You need to cut loose.

Emmett: Remember, it's your last week as a free man!

Edward: Emmett, grow up. I've been thinking and now I don't want to have a bachelor party.

Emmett: C'mon, Ed, you're no fun! And besides, the best man throws the bachelor party! And since I'm the best man, I throw the party.

Jasper: And we invited some friends. Now get your coat on, we're going! (just then, Sam, Paul, and Jared show up)

Emmett: Hey guys, glad to see you here! Ready to go?

Paul: Go where?

Emmett: Edward's bachelor party, of course!

Sam: Since when do vampires have bachelor parties?

Jared: Do they really?

Paul: Bachelor parties are for those who are celebrating the end of their single life. Edward will no longer be single, so they're planning a party for him.

Sam: What? You think Edward's gonna get drunk and make out with random girls?

Edward: NO! I will NOT be getting drunk and making out with random girls! I love Bella and no other girl! (hisses at Sam)

Sam: OK, dude, chillax. It was only a suggestion.

Jared: Let's go to a club. A club for all single men who are getting married in about a week.

Emmett: Good idea. Let's all get drunk and humiliate poor straight-laced Edward! He'll never see it coming!

------

(at Charlie's house)

Charlie: A bachelor party?

Emmett: Yup. Edward needs our help to loosen him up. He's too uptight.

Charlie: Are you sure?

Emmett: Of course. Why don't you bring your friend in a wheelchair, get him out of the house. 

Charlie: Well...

Emmett: He's backing out! Jasper, let's grab him! (he and Jasper grab Charlie and Billy and bring them to the jeep) Let's go!

------

(at a club)

Charlie: Do your parents know that you are out at night?

Emmett: Please? We're well behaved. We don't cause no trouble!

Edward: You do, Emmett.

Emmett: And besides, since we're vampires, we can live it up all we want and not worry about the consequences!

Billy: For once, I'm glad Bella's not marrying you. You're too goofy.

Jasper: What's wrong with being goofy?

Emmett: I'm not being goofy, I'm just Emmett.

Sam: Yeah. Emmett, the great overgrown 5-year-old.

Paul: Sam...

Sam: Oh come on, Paul! We gotta cut loose! Since there's no vampires around here except for the Cullens, we've earned the right to live it up for a little while!

Jared: And besides, we need to show Edward how to have fun. He's too serious.

Paul: As in "why so serious?"

Edward: Not funny. 

--------

(at this point, everyone is almost drunk)

Charlie: Word of advice, Edward: don't let Bella get away from you. I made the same mistake with her mother, so don't you dare let Bella go for a second. Chase after her and beg her to come home.

Edward: Is he drunk?

Emmett: We're all drunk! It's a party, so of course we're getting drunk! Isn't it fun?

Edward: No.

Billy: I've got some advice for you, Edward: never cheat on Bella, for it will break her heart. I made the same mistake with my wife, and I paid for it with her death. So whatever you do, stay true to her, OK?

Sam: Well, this is kind of odd. I guess I'm going to log that away until later.

Paul: You mean blackmail?

Jared: Word of advice, Edward: don't be afraid to cut loose every once in a while. And I don't mean just hunting or whatever it is that you vampires do...(James and Laurent show up)

Emmett: Hey, didn't we just get rid of you guys in the last story?

James: You can't get rid of us! We are the Nomads!

Paul: Don't you mean the Annoying Nomads?

James: We are NOT annoying.

Laurent: In fact, we are normal. 

Jared: If you're normal, then prove it!

Laurent: Very well. Let us call for some sexy dances and make them dance for Edward.

Edward: NO! I will NOT be entertained by any other women! Can't you stupid Nomads take a hint?

James: Edward, Edward, Edward, you have to loosen up. You're so uptight.

Laurent: Yes, Edward. Cut loose, just like that guy over there...(the group turns and sees Billy dancing around before a group of young girls)

Edward: NO! Tell me you did NOT just tell him to go perform for those girls! (rushes off to stop Billy)

-----

Charlie: Where's Billy?

Emmett: There...(points to Billy, who is arguing with Edward)

Charlie: Better go find him...(leaves the table)

Paul: Stupid annoying nomads...don't they have anyone else to bother?

-----

Edward: Why are you degrading yourself for the pleasure of these young girls?

Billy: Come on, Edward, they all assumed that I was one of the dancers and they asked me to dance for them. What's so bad about that?

Edward: How's about I flip you out of your wheelchair! Would they like that? (chases after Billy)

Billy: Oh no! Help! Help me, Charlie! Help! (Charlie shows up)

Julia: Oh great! A cop is here!

Sabrina: And he's a real cop too!

Charlie: Well, someone called for help. I'm just simply doing my job. That is helping people. (catches Billy and Edward) Now what seems to be the problem?

Edward: Your friend here chose to degrade himself...

Billy: I was just performing for these young ladies here and he starts wailing about "morals and righteousness"...

Charlie: Any of you young ladies care to describe to me what happened?

Roxanne: Well, our previous dancer was kicked out the club for being too "ugly", so at the last minute, he shows up.

Charlie: Right. Now, which one of you is getting married?

Jacquel: Me.

Sam: How old are you?

Jacquel: Do you seriously have to ask?

Julia: Forgive her, she's been a huge knot of nerves since her engagement and also, we're all kind of pissed because our friend Hermione bailed on us at the last minute.

Billy: Your friend sucks. What kind of friend bails on you at your bachelorette party?

Edward: We need to get going now.

Charlie: Why? (they see Emmett being surrounded by sexy dancers)

Edward: Rosalie is going to kill him! (rushes back to their table)

Sam: This is turning out to be a fun night, am I right?

-----

Edward: Emmett, what the hell is wrong with you? Have you forgotten about Rosalie?

Emmett: Oh, Edward, loosen up! And besides, we can just pretend that I'm not married to Rosalie for just one evening, right?

Jasper: And besides, Rosalie would kill any woman who dares speak to Emmett. 

Edward: But still...

Emmett: I love Rose, but I would like it if I could just get a break from her every once in a while. When you get to be married, you'll understand what I mean.

Edward: I can hear it in your thoughts...(just then, they notice Billy on the microphone)

Billy: Yup, that's him, that's Edward Cullen. He's marrying my friend Charlie's daughter...

Paul: Crap! We gotta stop him before he airs out our dirty laundry! (he and Jared rush up to the stage, grab Billy, and take off toward the exit)

Sam: We have to go now! (the others take off as well)

----

Jacquel: You know what? I'm now beginning to have second thoughts about marrying Callie.

Sabrina: Good for you.

Julia: He doesn't seem to care about you anyway.

Roxanne: There's got to be another way for you to get on the fast track instead of marrying Callie.

Jacquel: I wish. Now let's get out of here; I'm starving and I want to eat right now. (they leave the club)

-----

Edward: (driving the jeep) This is bad, real bad. Stupid nomads...

Emmett: You mean stupid Annoying Nomads.

Jasper: Who do they think they are, crashing our party like that? We should give them what for!

Paul: I agree! Let's tear them apart!

Jared: Not while there's people around. And besides, we still have the night to ourselves, so let's live it up!

Edward: You can live it up all you want, but I'm going home.

Emmett: Not tonight! Tonight, you're in the city!

Edward: Oh why me?

to be continued...

=====

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